Musings | Talking Matters
“It was a yearlong street fight. It was a slug fest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.
I lost the fight but probably won my life back”
Thursday, January 28th, is Bell Let’s Talk Day. The Bell Let’s Talk program promotes mental health awareness, acceptance, and action. Bell Let’s Talk Day reminds us of the importance of talking about how we feel while supporting others’ mental health. Please review the real-life story below as a reminder of why connecting with others around mental health is so important. It can feel scary at first, but reaching out is very worthwhile. You can find additional resources at the very bottom. Connection with other people has always been important, but perhaps now, more than ever, we need to be aware of the mental health of not only ourselves but those around us.
Why Talking Matters - A Real-Life Example
Building a connection with others often requires us to be real. Like gut-wrenching, would rather walk on burning hot coals, real. It requires us to share our imperfections and to admit that we do not have it all together. Healthy, authentic connections need vulnerability, but vulnerability is scary, and we generally do not want to go there. However, when we do, it can save our lives. My friend and colleague Sara had a similar experience thirteen years ago. I am grateful to her for sharing her story.
Sara is a high energy, caring, and warm individual, one of those people who gets along with everyone. In her late-twenties, Sara’s career was taking off. She had a leadership position in a national organization, and she was coaching sport at the national level. Her life was busy, and she was traveling extensively for work and sport. She loved what she was doing and was having great success. From the outside, Sara appeared to have it all together. Always upbeat and cheerful, she would take on multiple tasks with apparent ease. She would always listen and support others and always saw the positive in situations or make light of challenging things. But Sara did not have it all together, and she was not ok. She felt that if she let others see her, she would appear weak and unable to handle life. She did not want to burden anyone with her worries. So instead, she put on a smile, worked hard, and always said she was “good.” It was not until she called me from the hospital on her thirtieth birthday that I learned anything was amiss. It took a four-day hospital stay for her to understand the importance of being real.
This is what was really going on. Her job was very stressful. The travel left her disconnected from her social group (this was just before texting and social media were mainstream). Her brother was battling a life-threatening drug and alcohol addiction (she was worried about him and her parents, they were devastated). She was working to put an athlete on a national team, and she had recently ended a relationship that had been emotionally abusive. For months leading up to her hospitalization, the stress she was under had been making her physically ill. She told no one, or had shared only small pieces, but not the entire story, and always with a smile and a shoulder shrug – nothing was a big deal. She did not reach out, but she would have been the first person to help anyone else in trouble, and she always seemed so happy. The initial assessment of her health at the hospital had the doctors suspecting she was in liver failure. Liver Failure. She was not in liver failure. Her physical health was fine; her mental health was not. The stress in her life was killing her, and no one knew. She (and I) are certain that if she had reached out and leaned into her friends and the supports around her, she likely may have been able to avoid the hospital and the repeated incidences of illness that lead to it.
Sara got the help she needed. She learned to be vulnerable. Sara learned to talk about what is going on with her life with those close to her. She realized that being seen does not mean you are weak or troubled or unworthy of friendship and love. It means you are a beautiful and imperfect human – just like everyone else. Embracing your vulnerability allows you to bring your authentic self forward every day. This action is scary as hell, it takes an act of courage, and you must work at it every day, but it is the pathway to joy, connectedness, well-being, and calm. As humans, we are wired to be compassionate, see others, and be there for each other – we must take the risk and permit ourselves to do so.
Resources
Bell Let’s Talk Day (resources & support material)
Brené Brown Ted Talk - Vulnerability (20 min)
Dr. Starla Fitch Ted Talk: The Surprising Power of Human Relationships (12 min)